Silhouette Woman
by Lizicia
Summary: 'Catherine drives off, in pursuit of something she's not sure how to gain or when, those five words burning into her memory and her heart because to hear them was her greatest blessing but to let them change anything would be her greatest downfall.' Follow-up to 'Lovers Locked Out of Love', fallout from the finale. Steve/Catherine.


**A/N:** So, I finally got around to writing this story. This is a follow-up to _Lovers Locked Out of Love_, so if you haven't read it, you should, or some aspects of this will not make sense. Though it is your choice either way.

Catherine's POV for the two years.

**Disclaimer:** This is a work of fiction.

* * *

When Catherine puts the phone down, she stares at it for a full minute. She's done something inconceivable, something she never thought would have to happen; she has said good-bye to Steve.

It's not like she hasn't done this before, like they haven't spent half of their relationship on the opposite ends of the world, so why does this feel so final, so crushing, so unbearably painful?

Because he said it. Because it's never been this important, never seemed this difficult to overcome, never carried so much weight.

_I love you, you know?_

Oh, she's _known_ for years, hasn't doubted it for a second of their time together. But knowing something and actually hearing it being said are two very different things, and the latter is currently making her breath catch and her head spin.

Catherine can know, can feel, she said it back to him because she meant it, but this is the thing which makes what she is about to do so difficult. He would never ask her to quit, to leave Najib, to think of herself first because he never does, and he understands the need that is driving her now. She can't not go after them while there is a chance. As much as her decision makes her heart ache, she can't choose anything else.

So she drives off, in pursuit of something she's not sure how to gain or when, those five words burning into her memory and her heart because to hear them was her greatest blessing but to let them change anything would be her greatest downfall.

* * *

Afghanistan is harsh and unfriendly. The days are unbearably hot and dry, the nights cold and chilling. She travels through the desert, avoiding civilization as best as she can, all the while making her way towards the Pakistani border.

In Qalat she makes a stop, and finds an old Navy friend who works for the Zabul PRT and gives her the supplies she needs. The questions he dares to ask of her are vague but she knows that he knows what she is about to do, and tries to stop it. She appreciates it but this can't change anything.

Unfortunately, she's forgotten that contact with someone who essentially works for the U.S. government is extremely risky and she really shouldn't be surprised when she's confronted by two armed men in the shady alley she was using.

A third man emerges from the shadows.. "Lt. Rollins. I think we should have a little chat."

The fact that he knows who she is, makes her uneasy but she has no choice but to follow the man into a small nondescript house adjacent to the PRT.

In the light of the room, she can make out that the man is in his early forties, well-built, dressed like a local, but definitely an American. And not a soldier.

"What are you doing in Qalat, Lt. Rollins?" His voice is smooth and perfectly neutral, too neutral to actually be friendly.

She responds in kind. "Just taking in the neighborhood. It is such a beautiful part of Afghanistan."

"So, you're here for pleasure, and not business?"

She doesn't respond but calculates if she could take down the man with a single blow. He doesn't seem to be armed and she could probably incapacitate him and escape through the window; second story is a feasible task.

"The perimeter is guarded, so I wouldn't consider it if I were you."

Catherine hopes her surprise doesn't register and goes for the offense instead. "Why am I here? It's not against the law to visit Qalat but I don't think it's quite lawful for you to hold me here."

The man smiles and it unnerves her because he is about to say something she won't like. "On the contrary, Lt. Rollins. You see, I have here orders from the SECNAV himself to detain Lt. Catherine Rollins on sight and to inform the United States Navy of her whereabouts instantly."

Now she really tenses. She knew her mission would have repercussions and she's tried very hard not to think about what all this means for Steve as well, but she wasn't prepared to have a formal arrest warrant in her name.

Still, the fact that this strange man is in position to do that but instead of turning her in, is chatting her up, could mean something good.

"So, the fact that we're talking right now probably means that you're not the Navy."

"What do you think I am, then?"

She lets her gaze wander around the room, thinks back to the house itself, to the winding corridors and the lack of real visible security and knows. "The CIA."

He nods and extends his hand. "Indeed. Welcome to the CIA, Lt. Rollins, I'm Damian Leroy."

She shakes his hand reluctantly. "What do you want with me?"

"The Navy has essentially declared you persona non grata, there is no way out of this country other than through the military channels, and you are in Qalat, trying to cross the Pakistani border illegally and with the help of your friend from the PRT, Eddie Maynard. The question is, why? What is in Pakistan?"

"Don't you already know that?"

"We know that you entered Afghanistan a little over a week ago, also illegally, with a Lieutenant-Commander Steve McGarrett of the Hawaiian task force Five-0. He returned to the States but you stayed behind which begs the question what were you looking for in the first place. Our best guess is that you are tracking some Taliban insurgents who have since crossed the border, and probably for very personal reasons. How am I doing so far?"

Catherine doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of being right but she is starting to realize that this situation is not as harmless or easy to get out of as she would like, so she carefully nods.

"Now, Lt. Rollins, the thing is that I think this situation could be solved in a way which would be mutually beneficial. You need to catch those insurgents for some personal reasons. We need someone on the ground in Pakistan, someone who is not connected to the CIA. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"You want me to work for you."

He nods and offers her a smile but this doesn't change the fact that she doesn't really trust the CIA. However, she's been backed into a corner. If she turns this down, they will give her up to the Navy but if she takes this, then what?

"I'm sure you've thought of some conditions that would convince me to actually do this."

"Your life, for example?" He actually chuckles at that. "No, of course we have an offer for you. If you work for us and help us find and destroy this cell of insurgents, we will barter on your behalf with the government that this order for your arrest would be negated and whatever transgressions you have against the government will be forgotten."

"And when this cell has been captured, I can go back?"

"Yes. However, for the time being, you cannot have any contact with anyone from your old life. As far as the US government is concerned, you're on your own in Afghanistan and no one knows of your whereabouts. If you were to be captured, we would have to deny any knowledge of your existence."

She's not stupid; this plan is very risky, highly dangerous and has a high possibility of ending in her death. But she can't leave Afghanistan, can't go back home just to be handed a prison sentence, and she still has to find Najib. If this is how it has to be, then she has to make this terrible choice.

"Okay."

* * *

The mission is grueling. Pakistan is even more hostile than Afghanistan; it may not be an active warzone but Americans are not well-liked here either and she is totally alone. The CIA gave her what she needed and she has a contact line set up but there is no real back-up, no one to actually care if she goes missing because she isn't officially here.

The worst part of this is that if something was to happen to her, no one would know. Maybe her body would be found and someone would match her fingerprints to those in the US army database. But the CIA would leave her to die in Pakistan, would deny any knowledge of her involvement, and this is a risk she willingly took. And some nameless, faceless State Department official would get to file this under _unknown circumstances_ and no one would ever know what really happened.

Steve would never know. She's tried very hard not to think about him, tried not to imagine what he is doing. She turned her phone on once and there were 27 missed calls and one message.

"Catherine..." Just one word, just her name but said with such reverence, such pain that it was enough to shred her already conflicted heart even more. It reminded her why she is doing this, and what she's given up, it was enough to remind her that there is a whole other world with him and without her.

She destroyed her phone right afterwards.

It takes her four months to track down the insurgents with the CIA resources, to locate them, and to find Najib, and as she waits for Damian in Hyderabad, she breathes again in the knowledge that she can go home.

But when she sees Damian's face, she knows that life is about to throw her another curveball.

"Well done, Lt. Rollins. The agency is pleased with this result."

"But?"

Damian chuckles. "But. The agency feels like you could do more for us. The Taliban has roots everywhere, it is spreading in the region like wildfire and there is only so much we can do. But you could do everything that we can't."

"You want me to continue working for you? Why would I if you held up your end of the bargain and I could just go back?"

"You could. But you like doing this. You helped take down a major Taliban operation which recruits child soldiers and sends them across borders to train, to become merciless killers but this was only one child for you, only one cell. There are dozens more in Pakistan, in India, in Bangladesh. Don't you want to see them all gone?"

She can't tell if he is being genuine but she would bet money that he doesn't care about the children at all; no matter how friendly he pretends to be, he cares only about using her because she is valuable. And she would lie if she said she doesn't care, that she hasn't thought about all the other children out there.

For a moment, a small moment, she imagines going back. She imagines Hawaii, her friends, imagines Steve. It seems so far away and although it is within her grasp, she knows that if she were to actually reach for it, she would feel the pain of essentially abandoning these children every day. She would resent Steve for the pull he has on her and this is something she can't do. She can't go and regret not making a difference because this isn't about Najib, it never was; it's about changing something.

This is how she finds herself in Mumbai, a city familiar enough not to feel lost. This familiarity is nice but also anguishing because she remembers meeting Steve here, halfway from both Hawaii and the Gulf during her time at NAVCENT, and this same feeling is the reason she buys a postcard from a street vendor. Mumbai at night is a sight to behold and before she can stop herself, she writes _Remember when we tried to find the stars?_ on the back and after a moment of reconsideration, adds _Aloha_ because she can't write her name.

She doesn't know if it is enough but this is all she has.

With every postcard she sends, she hopes that he understands everything she wants to convey but cannot say. _I'm sorry. I want to come back. I can't come back yet. I miss you. The world is not big enough to keep us apart. I love you._

Throughout it all, she keeps her eye on the mission, follows the trail wherever it goes and keeps fighting because it seems that there is a new threat around every corner. Until suddenly, it's been a year and she's sitting in a hotel room in Kolkata, feeling world-weary because the reality of time hits her. It's been a full year away from her home and she still doesn't feel like going back.

She wants to go back every day but the same reasons that kept her in Afghanistan in the first place, are still holding her down. There is still too much evil to wade through, so much work to be done before she can fully turn her back to this and leave. So she finds herself wondering if there will ever be a time that she actually can leave.

That night, she purchases her last postcard, a spectacular photo of the Taj Mahal – she's been careful not to send him anything actually representing the place she is at – and with a heavy heart writes down words that have been haunting her for months now. _Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future._ It isn't what she wants to say but it is exactly what she needs to say because she has to let him go and she can only hope that he will do the same.

* * *

She works in India and Bangladesh for another year, finding and destroying one cell after another, not stopping for a moment. She's in Chittagong when Damian suddenly and without explanation orders her to fly to Singapore. It's a strange request because this has no ties to her work in the region but she's gotten used to orders and missions, so she boards a plane, wondering if Taliban really has a reach this far in Asia.

She is not expecting Doris McGarrett to welcome her at the airport.

"Catherine, hi."

She's pretty sure she's gaping but Steve's mother is the last person she ever expected to encounter during these journeys.

"Doris. What an unexpected surprise."

The other woman merely smiles. "Come on, there is a car waiting."

It is about a possible Taliban connection at a local bank which they're using to launder money, and Catherine switches into mission mode, every question she has pushed to the back of her mind.

It's a fairly easy task, a simple intelligence gathering and it takes them no more than four hours in total to gather what they need. This more than anything arouses her suspicions about why she was sent here in the first place, which are further confirmed when Doris kindly but firmly suggests they have dinner.

"So, why are you here, Doris?"

She's had enough time to think about this mission and she knows two things. One, this was a job for one person. And two, this person most definitely didn't have to be her.

Doris gives her a scrutinizing look and smiles. "Well, you've definitely changed since the last time we met. Good for you."

But when Catherine doesn't respond, Doris' expression turns serious. "I heard you were working for the agency and I couldn't figure out why you would do such a thing. So I had to see it for myself."

"And what do you see, exactly?"

"I see someone who's dedicated to their mission. Who started out from a place of impossible choices, I imagine, and grew into it because she realized this wasn't just a way to spend time. I see someone who's made the tough choices in life."

She's quiet, partly because she doesn't know how to answer that, and partly because she wants to know where Doris is going with this.

"But, most of all, I see someone who is alone but shouldn't be."

This touches her in the most uncomfortable way, so she can't hold her silence anymore. "What I'm doing is very important."

"Yes, and I respect that. Do you think I haven't been where you are, fully convinced in everything I was doing, but not allowing myself to realize how my actions are influencing everyone else?"

And the truth is, Catherine has thought this before. She has realized the sacrifices Doris made, has understood her, at least in some ways, and has inched closer to understanding how she could've left everyone she loved behind. But she doesn't want to be told that.

Doris, for her part, is undeterred. "Do you remember the first time we met and I asked you whether you loved my son? I didn't need to ask it because I already believed that you did. Just like I know that you still do."

"We...it's not like that."

She gives her a sad smile. "Oh, Catherine. It will always be _like that_. You can't deny that you love him and you must remember it. I know how important your mission is, I know how much you want to change and better the world. But I also know how incredibly lonely this job is and how much I regret not being there when it would've mattered. And I don't want you to regret it, for your sake, and for my son's sake. There will be other people to do this job."

"I have been away for two years."

Doris grasps her hand and squeezes once, as if to emphasize the importance of what she is about to say next. "Then it's time to go home."

The next day she tells Damian that she wants out and it's the most liberating conversation she's ever had.

The Hawaiian sun burns the same, the air has that familiar dry and tropical smell but most of all, it smells like home. It's like a dream she's had so many times before during these two years, and as she takes the cab to Steve's house, she manages to re-think her decision seventeen times. There are so many questions swirling around in her head, so many unknowns, so many things she fears, most of all to find him open the door and realize that he doesn't love her anymore.

But when he does open that door and she sees the shock register on his face, sees the way his whole being lights up, she can believe that this is real. And when he kisses her, she knows that two years have nothing on them because it still feels the same.

So when he asks her to stay, she says _Forever_ because she means it, because she's been alone for two years and this is her home. And later, when he whispers those three most beautiful words into her hair, the weight of them fully settles in her but it's lighter than air, it's a promise, and it is a future.

* * *

**A/N:** Ah, there it is. Please let me know what you thought!


End file.
